Roger's Journal: Don't Touch, Mark!
by GayApparel
Summary: Post-RENT. It's a journal. Roger's thoughts, feeling, and descriptions of past events. Rated M for lauguage, and eventually situations. See notes for more detail.
1. Been A Long Time

Disclaimer: I wish to god I owned this character, cuz I love him to death, but sadly, I don't.

Notes: Well, this isn't really a new story per se. Well, it is, but it's all journal entries. I started this in LJ (angstyfender, in case you'd like to read the back logs), and hadn't written in it in a while. It follows today's actual dates, but written as if during that time period. This is the first entry for this year, and so I decided to share them with the fanfic community, since you guys are so great. Check out the back entries if you wish, and your welcome to leave a review in there if you'd like. Feel free to add him to your friends list too, if you'd like. Whenever I actually update his journal, I'll post it as well.

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**Roger's Journal (Don't touch Mark)  
April 13**

It's been a long time since I've written in this thing. Lots of things have changed since then too. Mimi died a little over two months ago, and I've been sitting in my room, pretty much not doing a damn thing. I can't even pick up my guitar. Too many memories. Every single day Mark dares to knock on my door. I don't lock it anymore, so he tends to just waltz right in. I know he cares, and all he wants to do is help, but I just can't handle anything right now. He'll bring me food, water, smokes, do the little laundry I leave on the floor, clean up my room, which always bothers me, cuz he'll move something, and I can't find it again. The only time I leave my room is when I need to get some fresh air, or take a shower, which I don't do to often, since I don't go anywhere.

Well, since it has been a while, I suppose I should let you know what happened after we found Mimi. She got better, but never fully. She was really weak for the first few days after she got sick, but seemed to blossom pretty quickly to her usual self. You could see though she wasn't doing all that well, but as she always did, she lived everyday like it was her last. I remember when she burst into the loft asking me to take her out. That one Christmas Eve. Strange how time flies. I yelled at her, but she kept trying to convince me anyway. I got so fed up, that I kicked her out, then not to long after that, stormed out myself. I ran into Mark on the street, and he was so surprised to see me. I told him what had happened, and he told me he was glad she got me out.

We parted ways when I spotted Mimi, apologized for being such an asshole, and invited her to join us for dinner after the show. That was when I first realized I definitely liked her. For a whole year we had this interesting on again, off again relationship. Whenever we were off, she'd run to the arms of the supercilious Benny. You know, at one time, Benny and I actually got along. Now he's just an asshole. He lied to us, kicked us out of the loft, and even padlocked the doors. That was one fucking awesome New Years Eve though. Mark called it the "Breaking-back-into-the-building-party." That was fun. We broke back in all right. Then Benny showed up, and said he regretted kicking us out. Yeah, sure he did. And I'm the fucking pope.

Anyway, back on topic. Mimi died just before Valentine's Day. That was always her favourite holiday, though I never could understand why. It was just another superficial holiday the greeting card companies came up with to sell more cards. She asked me before she died to bring her flowers to her grave every Valentine's Day, since she knew she would miss it. I promised her, cuz I knew it would make her feel special, but I've always been know for breaking my promises. I couldn't do it. Her funeral was on that day, and I didn't even go. It was just too much. Mark told me who was there. Collins, Maureen, Joanne, her mother, a few of her friends from the club, and of course Benny. He paid for it. Heh, surprise, surprise.

Mark filmed it, of course, cuz he films everything. He hides behind that camera. He always has. I remember when we were in high school, it was right after he got it... I think it was his freshman... no, sophomore year. I was a junior that year. He brought it _everywhere_ we went. Always had it in my face too. A few times I took it away from him, and held it up so he couldn't reach it. He still hadn't had his growth spurt, so he was quite short. I haven't laughed in a while, but thinking about Mark being that short... Mark was such a small boy for a long time. He finally hit his growth spurt the summer before his senior year in high school. I thought he'd never get taller.

Mark's always been my best friend, for as long as I can remember. Let's see, I believe we met when we were twelve and thirteen. Somewhere around there. Anyway, we met in the principal's office, actually. I was in there for... for something. I can't quite... oh yeah. I had egged the principal's car with a few buds, and I was the only one who got caught. I just had to get that last egg in. At least my buds never got caught, and I never squealed. Anyway, Mark was in there as an office aide, filing some mail into the teacher's boxes, and he turned to look at me, and blushed when I smiled at him. I finally found out why he always blushed when I smiled at him, in high school. He still does it every now and then. So, I got out of the chair I was told not to move from, and went over to talk to him. He was so shy then.

I approached him, and I could tell he was nervous. So, cool, calm, and collected, I casually said hi. He squeaked out a hello. I laughed, cuz it was... expected. I don't know. He reminded me of a little mouse. Anyway, long story short, we talked a little bit, I asked if he wanted to hang out after school, mostly to help out both our images. I would help him be 'cooler', and he could help 'keep me in line'. It worked perfectly. He even helped me with my homework, when I did it that is. And the rest is history.

I should go talk to him. I've been more or less ignoring him, except for a few words here and there. Usually mumbles. I haven't spoken a complete sentence to him in a long while. Why do I do this to him? He's been there for me whenever I needed him, whether it was just to talk, or I just happened to get myself into another jam. He even stuck with me when I went through withdrawals after April died. Heh, I haven't thought about April in quite a long time. Funny, cuz it is April. Her birthday would've been last Thursday.

April was the one girl who knew how to make me do anything. Literally. She wanted to go somewhere, all she had to do was bat those beautiful eyes of hers, and I'd be out the door waiting for her. She wanted to go dancing, which I _don't_ do, and I'd be asking what type of dancing she wanted to do, with my dancing shoes on. Figuratively speaking, of course. I didn't actually own dancing shoes. Well, as I said, I would do anything for her, and that included trying heroin. She got it from her sister, who had told her it was the best experience she'd ever had. So, I tried it. I loved it. Sometimes I still crave it, but whenever I do, I just pop a cig in my mouth. It takes the edge off enough, so I'm not thinking about it.

I just realized, I missed writing in this. Mark gave this to me as a gift, which I had mentioned in a previous entry. If he knew I was actually writing in this, he'd probably throw a fucking party. He's been trying so hard to get me to do something, anything. When he walks in to 'check' on me, he'd always say something like, "I miss hearing Musetta's Waltz." Then sigh as he walked out. No Mark, I can't take hints. I have no idea what you mean. Musetta's Waltz, what's that? I know he's only doing it, cuz he knows my guitar, and music in general means so much to me, and knows I was always... I guess happiest would be the word, when I was playing, or writing.

Speaking of writing, I remember when I was struggling to find that one perfect song. My 'one song, glory.' The one song that would make everything right again. Well, it did bring Mimi back. The first time, anyway. The day she died was probably the hardest one of my life. No... one of them, but not _the_ hardest. I think the hardest day of my life, was walking into our bathroom, seeing April's lifeless body in the bathtub, blood everywhere; the floor, the tub, the shower curtain, even in the sink. And of course, what laid on the sink, beside a few drops of blood, was the note. The note that told me I was going to die. "We've got AIDS." How is someone supposed to react to that?

I remember feeling numb when I first read it. I was just coming off a high, and it didn't quite seem real. Feel real. I thought, maybe I was having a nightmare. It didn't quite hit me until I heard the door to the loft slam shut. Mark had just come home after a day of filming. My stomach twisted in knots, and I puked right there on the floor. Mark had heard this, and ran to see if I was okay. I remember his reaction. He gasped, covered his mouth, and ran out, almost puking too. He came back in a few minutes later, after his stomach settled, and helped me out of the bathroom. I was still clutching tightly to the note, balled up in my fist. After my stomach had a chance to settle, I screamed at the top of my lungs, jumped up, and started throwing things. Anything I could find, I threw it. I almost broke Mark's camera too, but he calmed me down enough, and I set the camera on the table.

Why am I such an asshole to the one person who's been... the best thing that could happen to me? He really is. He's been... he _is_ everything. My best friend, my conscience... even my partner. I know he loves me, he always has, but I always tend to push him away. I love him too, but I'm just afraid to get close to him, especially now. Even just as friends, I'm afraid to get to close. I know I'm dying, and that scares the shit out of me. I don't want it to be harder for him than it's gonna be. But he keeps pushing. He won't give up. He's never given up on me, even when I was high, or just being the biggest jerk possible. I should just talk to him. He deserves it, and I really need it. I need him, more than I would ever admit. So I suppose I'll close for the night. I'm gonna go talk to Mark.


	2. Better Than Expected

Disclaimer: Still not mine. However, if it was, it wouldn't be as cool. Thanks Jonathan, and I guess thanks Matt too.

Notes: Because I can't slash anything out on here, I had to take out two things that is in the original (see angstyfender on LJ). Anyway, so far so good on keeping updates, especially since it is a journal. However, it _is_ Roger, so that may mean gaps between entries. We'll just have to wait and see. Thanks to those who've reviewed already. I muchly appreciate it. I love all of you guys. Enjoy!

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**Roger's Journal (Don't touch Mark)  
April 14**

It went better than I expected. As expected, Mark was so thrilled I made an attempt to talk to him, he gave me the biggest hug his small arms could muster. It was good, although, I wasn't quite ready for it at that moment. However, as the conversation progressed, I ended up giving him a hug. I'm not quite ready to go back to where we used to be, which is, well... being more than friends. It's still hard just being friends with him again, but I'm actually gonna make an effort to do so. It's only fair. He's been my anchor all this time, I should be the ship he's attached to.

So it went a little like this. I left my room after my last entry, knocked softly on his bedroom door, which I barely heard him whisper 'come in.' Upon entry, I thought I had heard him crying, to which my suspicions were confirmed after opening the door. His eyes were red, puffy, and his glasses sat on his makeshift nightstand. I could tell he was surprised to see me. I'm figuring he probably thought it was Collins, or Maureen, or even Joanne. He wiped his face, and I actually smiled at him. I haven't really looked at him in a while, and watching him wipe his tears reminded me of... well, it's not quite the time to discuss that. I'll get back to that eventually.

I sat down beside him on his bed, and he just smiled back at me. There was silence between us for at least five minutes before he broke the ice. "It's good to see you out of your room." That was the first thing he said to me. I laughed. It wasn't that funny, but for some reason, I laughed. It certainly broke the ice, and we had a pleasant, full conversation, with actually sentences, and phrases.

We talked about Mimi for the most part. I told him how I had been feeling, since I rarely share my feelings, especially with Mark. I told him what she asked of me the day she died, and how I didn't keep that promise. I told him that playing music, especially Musetta's Waltz reminded me too much of her. When we had been living together, I played that often, even if it was off key, and she always said it was her favourite song. She'd interrupt my 'song writing', asking me to play it for her before she headed off for work. That was during the two months we lived together... before she started using again.

Mark just kept nodding his head, and smiling. I felt like I was talking to a wall after a while, and voiced it, when he started crying again. I asked him why he was crying. "It's so good to hear your voice again." That's what he said. That's when I hugged him. I knew he'd been wanting this, and I finally got over myself, and obliged him.

The conversation continued, mostly me just telling him about feelings and stuff. I had mentioned April's birthday being last week, and he told me he had lit a candle for her. He always knew how much April meant to me, so that was really sweet of him to do.

I mentioned that I was writing in this, and Mark smiled the biggest smile I've seen on his face in a long time. I hadn't told him before, though if he ever saw the cover of this, which in big bold letters, says , 'DON'T TOUCH MARK!'; Not like he ever would, but I figured if he saw those words, he'd know, and it would strike that little spark of hope he tends to carry with him whenever it came to me. That I cared enough to use it, cuz he got it for me. "I never expected you to actually write in it, but I had hoped." Those were his words.

The rest of the conversation was us just reminiscing. We talked about the time Collins ran naked through the Parthenon for one of his many anarchist... things. We remembered the time we first met Collins too. Interesting story. We both had just moved to the city, and we were going around apartment hunting. We came across the ad in the classifieds. 'Flow and anarchy don't mix well. Need a roommate, or two. Avenue B, and 11th Street. Top floor of industrial loft.'

It was perfect. Mark had just left Brown, and my band had just started playing gigs at CBGBs, so we met up, and decided to live together, but since everything in NYC is so fucking expensive, we had to find roommates. So we ended up at this loft, the very loft we still live in, and spoke with Collins. Not what we were expecting, I must say. This pot smoking, anarchist, was a walking contradiction. On one hand, he'd do something like, run naked through the Parthenon, but on the other hand, he was a professor at NYU.

Anyway, so we arrived at the loft, and was greeted by this man. He was high off his ass. I remember laughing my ass off, thinking he was some 'Rasta man', with his dread locks, and his mary jane. So, he invited us in, asked a few questions about jobs, and the such, then after we agreed it'd work, we celebrated by getting high. Well, Collins and I did. Mark did however, end up with a nice contact high. He never did figure that out, and to this day, Col and I still haven't told him, and get a good laugh out of it.

After we talked, he offered to make me something to eat. He's always taking care of me, no matter what I do.He's a great friend. Maybe someday, if ever again, we can be more than that, but the outlook isn't good. Dying kinda makes you not wanna get to close to someone, when you know you'll just hurt them in the end, either by pushing them further away, or, well, dying. I don't wanna hurt Mark anymore. I know I've hurt Mark enough, so I think it best to keep what we have, and not push it. If something happens between us again, then I'll _try_ to make it work.

That's pretty much what happened today. We spend the rest of the day just hanging out. We haven't done that in a while either, and it was fun. We played a few hands of cards, to which I kicked his ass in, and... talked. It was good.


	3. APRIL!

Disclaimer: Still don't own. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfics now would I?

Notes: Ah ha! I managed to get two entries in. Yay! Thanks to all of you so veyr much for your kind reviews. I love them all, and I got the brightest smile on my face after reading them. You guys, and you know who you are, are so wonderful. Thank you! Enjoy!

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**Roger's Journal (Don't touch Mark!)  
April 19**

"AAAAAAAAAAAPRIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL!" That's what I screamed the night after finding April's dead body, bloodied, in the bathtub of the loft bathroom. I haven't had that dream in a long time. A sort of memory dream. I didn't do that when Mimi died. I never had a single nightmare about it either. But with April… Times were different back then, you know.

The first time I laid eyes on April, I was awestruck. Mark and I had gone out to celebrate his 21st birthday. You know, one of those, party-with-just-your-best-friend-before-hanging-with-the-others kinda thing. So I took him to this place I used to frequent in high school. I remember he'd always question me about how I knew of such a place, and I'd laugh at him, give him a little tap on the arm, and shake my head, more or less ignoring the question.

Anyway, back on topic. We stepped in after I finished my cigarette, and headed straight for the bar. I announced to the room it was Marky's bday, and got everyone in there to sing to him, which of course made him blush. Brightly. He was red all over his body. It was fucking hilarious. Anyway, and of course, the waitress who came to help him breathe, cuz he was so embarrassed he couldn't breathe, was none other than April. Back then she was still a brunette, which is her natural hair colour… I think.

So yeah, I took one look at her, and thought… I'd do her. Hey, I'm an asshole, remember? I definitely thought she was rather beautiful. Fuck, she was gorgeous. She had the perfect amount of makeup on her face that made you wonder if she was an angel. She pulled off the innocent act very well. I certainly fell for it. And in a way, she kinda was innocent. Okay, not completely innocent, but more like… child-like. Like, she was a woman, but young. I guess, maybe in soul, or something like that. Anyway, I'm not all for that whole philosophical thing.

I remember our eyes caught hold of each others, and she flashed me a beautiful smile, which actually got me to smile back. I didn't smile back unless you were waving an eight ball or an ounce in my face. I rarely smiled back at anyone. But she… she was beautiful. Her eyes were the softest shade of brown I'd ever seen, yet they were piercing, like she could see through you.

Let's just say, I practically fell head over heels for her, but didn't tell anyone. After about a half hour, cuz that's how long it took to get Mark shitfaced. And I mean _shitfaced_. It was funny, cuz he took off his shirt, jumped on the bar, and someone actually put Bee Gees on. Mark stood on the bar, and sang Stayin' Alive. And the best part of that was that since Marky takes his camera _everywhere_ we go, I got it all on film. He hates it whenever I bring it up to him. I still have that somewhere too. Maybe I'll make him watch it with me. Watch his face get all red, and he'll smack me with a pillow, or something sharp even.

So, got a little off topic there. After a half hour, I approached her, smiled, pointed to Mark, and said, "he's with me." She laughed at that, which meant that was a good opening line. It's hard to find a good pick up line, and well, Mark just made that too easy for me. I asked her to tell me about herself, which I found out later was complete bullshit. Her and her sister had this little system when it came to getting picked up.

So, after our little conversation, in which she swore she knew me from somewhere… I get that a lot. Even now… most of the people who ask, recognize me from my gigs though. Most of those people I used to hang out with are either dead, or dying. Much like me.

Uh… We talked. It was a good conversation. I got her phone number too, which was pretty much the whole point. Gave her mine, that way I wouldn't have to call. You know how that works.

Three weeks, not a single phone call. Okay, so she knew how to play this game too. I gave in however, cuz basically, I just wanted to get laid. I called her, her sister answered, and her sister was already drunk, and started asking me questions like, "Are you that guy she met at the bar? You know, the one where some geeky guy stripped and sang Bee Gees?" Why yes, that would be me. "She hasn't stopped talking about you since you left the bar that night." I heard April in the background yelling at her sister, and I couldn't help but laugh my ass off. And here I had begun to think I wasn't sexy enough to get the hot chick.

She finally got the phone away from her sister, and tried to pull it off like she wasn't embarrassed, and of course mentioned her sister being drunk. I played it off like a good boy, and she said I was sweet.

The rest of the conversation was me playing the sweet guy, and her avoiding my every attempt to get her to go out with me. I think that lasted about an hour before she finally gave into me, and that was with aid from her sister.

All this remembering shit is giving me a headache. I hate when that happens. I'm gonna have to take care of this, then I'm gonna go to bed.


	4. Mark Took Me Out

Disclaimer: Again, own nothing.

Notes: Here's number two. Thanks again all of you for your support. Enjoy!

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**Roger's Journal (Don't touch Mark!)  
April 21**

So Mark took me out tonight. He was trying to be romantic. That's what he said. It was a sweet gesture, and I told him that, but had to tell him I'm just not ready for that yet. I don't want to get too close to Mark, not when I'm so close to death. He said he knew that, and understood that, and just wanted to show me how much he cares. What he _wanted_ to show me was that it could still work between us, without so much as saying it. Despite all this, despite the fact that I'm probably the next to die.

I love Mark, I really do, and that's the reason I don't want to start anything up with him again. I don't wanna break his heart anymore. I broke it when April came into the picture. The first time. See, Mark and I have this friendship that goes way back, right? Well, somewhere in the middle of that friendship, we started, well, realizing things about each other that we didn't notice before. It was during his senior year of high school.

I had told him I'd wait for him to graduate before I went off and tried my chances in the 'real world,' so I got a part time job bussing tables at the local diner during the day, and playing gigs in neighbouring cities, and at local pubs at night. Let me tell you, that was exhausting.

Anyway, Mark had been hinting to me about his interest in boys, which I caught onto right away, but never made it obvious. He kept coming up with something about a guy, then come back with how he thought some chick in his class was hot. It was funny. He'd ask me if I ever looked at guys as more than just friends, and at first I lied to him and told him I never had, when in fact I'd been spending a good portion of my time with the drummer in my band. Derek.

So, after Mark more or less finally admitted he was attracted to men too, I told him about Derek. It seemed to sadden him quite a bit. Of course, I found out why later. He was hurt cuz he wanted to be my first. I told him he was my first. Maybe not physically, but he was the first person I ever gave my heart to. Shit, that sounds cheesy. But yeah… and he was the first person I ever _gave_ myself to. With Derek, I was always the dominate one, so I hadn't actually experienced the entire sexual act. I gave Mark that.

Yesterday was 420. You know, national pot smoker's day. No, I didn't get high, cuz Mark asked me not to, but Collins celebrated. He had a fat blunt he smoked at the loft, filling the entire place with smoke. Mark and I got a decent contact high, and Collins and I had a good laugh remembering the first time Mark got a contact high. Mark still didn't get it. We didn't bother trying to explain it to him, cuz he'd either not get it, or get pissed.

I was just thinking about April again. Wow, this month is the worst for me. I'll be glad when it's over, then maybe I can stop thinking so much about her. I remember when her and I celebrated 420. Let's see, we'd been dating for probably four months at this point, and one of my buds had brought over a twelve pack of beer, and a quarter of the good shit. There were seven of us gathered in the loft. It was actually the first time I met Maureen too.

She was a friend of April's from way back, and a fucking nut from the beginning. I would swear she was tweaking or something when she first arrived. She literally jumped into April's arms knocking them both to the floor, giggling, screeching, things that girls do. Just moving, and talking really fast. So, I'm introduced as the boyfriend, and immediately was flirted with. Not that I minded, since I've always loved flirting. I introduced her to Mark, Collins, and my two band mates that were there.

Benny wasn't there, thankfully. He was to busy kissing ass to his boss. He started a job at Grey Communications as the gofer guy, but his skills in ass kissing got him promoted to the head guy's assistant.

Mark didn't stick around much either. He never liked it when I did drugs in the loft. He'd never really say anything, but it was obvious in his actions. I was gonna go have my usual, "Come on Mark, we're just having fun," speech, when Maureen offered to talk to him. I gave in and let her.

Mark came out of that bedroom with the biggest smirk on his face. I didn't even have to ask. He sat beside her the entire time, getting drunk with her, while the rest of us got stoned off our asses. She seemed to actually like him. Well, at the time. Found out later from April she was in a relationship with some other dude during all that.

Mark fell hard for her. It was the first woman I had ever known him to really fall for. Then again, she's awfully masculine for a woman, so that might be why. She eventually left this other dude, who threatened to kick Mark's ass for taking her away from him. Of course, like the good best friend I am, I stepped in. Nobody fucks with Mark, and gets away with it. This is why Maureen and I don't get along much anymore.

We used to actually be friends, until well, I found out she had been cheating on Mark. Mark, stupid dumbass, knew before I did, and never told me. Not until I told him I caught Maureen in their bed with some other guy. He said she'd been doing it for some time, but stupid boy was in love, and dismissed it.

I don't normally cry. Not unless it's something really serious. Like when April died, and just thinking about all that again… I fucking hate crying. Mark does it a lot. I don't mind it from him, but I myself hate crying.

Wow, I am so off topic from when I originally started. I was gonna talk about how I broke Mark's heart when April first entered the picture. Well, after his party that night, and I showed him the film the next morning. He was so incredibly embarrassed, then I told him about April. I explained how beautiful she was, and that I was interested in her.

See, we had been kinda on and off in our little relationship we had, which I mentioned started his senior year of high school. We did things together… couple-y things. Usually only at home, but every once in a while, we'd go out to a bar, or the pool hall, but I had told him no touchy feely-ness while we were out. He agreed, though I know that hurt him. He used to tell me when we were laying in bed together, he wished he could show me off to the world. Let everyone know we were together… 'in love,' as he said.

I don't think I've ever really been in love with Mark. Not the way I was with April, and that's what broke his heart. I would brush off his 'in love' comment, laugh, and tell him I loved him. I should've been more attuned to what he was trying to say, more than just what he _was_ saying. All he wanted was acknowledgement that this wasn't just a one sided relationship.

I couldn't even give him that. Not then. I'm not sure I can give that to him now, even though it's different now. There's no April, no Mimi even. It's just him and me. I've broken his heart enough, and if we get involved again, it'll only break his heart again in the end…


	5. Japanese Restaurant

Disclaimer: Guess what? I still don't own. Still not mine. Which really sucks.

Notes: Okay, I know it's been a while, but I didn't have access to my computer, or a monitor for the last few weeks, but I did make up for it. Five new entries, just for you, my lovely readers.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it. And to those of you who have asked, no, the journal isn't a reminder to Roger not to touch Mark. I forgot the comma. It's a warning to Mark not to touch the journal. And to i Kelby /i , wow, that was a great idea, but no, it isn't Mark reading it, and Roger isn't dead. I promise. Though, that was a great idea, and part of me wishes that was my idea, and used it, but no, it is not, and I did not. So do not fret. But thanks… to all of you.

Enjoy!

One other thing. For those of you who were wondering, I am working on LOF, and the next chapter will be up soon. Also, I have come up with an ending I'm hoping you'll all enjoy.

**Roger's Journal (Don't touch, Mark!)**

**April 23**

Mark and I went to a Japanese restaurant tonight, cuz he wanted me to try sushi. All I have to say to that is… Fuck that! That was some nasty shit. I mean, come on… raw fish? I prefer cooked food, and not even so much on the fish either. Give me a nice, thick, juicy steak, or a cheeseburger with everything on it. And fries… I love fries, with globs of ketchup.

I remember one time Mark, Collins, Angel and I were at the Life having dinner… Collins' treat. Anyway, I ordered a big basket of fries and globbed on the ketchup, and brought it to Mark's face. He cringed, whined, and tried to get me to take a bite of his tofu dog. Him and Collins eat some weird food. It's all healthy. I'm purposely trying to clog my arteries, and kill myself even faster. At least that's what Mark says.

So, at this restaurant, they had karaoke. Now I have a sorta secret love for karaoke, mostly cuz it was something April and I used to _love_ to do together. April and I used to go to this one karaoke bar, and get nice and drunk, and sing. Now, before I got too drunk, I would normally sing something of the rock variety, then as the evening progressed, and I've had a few more beers, I'd do something well, silly. Something that would embarrass the hell out of April.

This one time, I was drunk enough that I got up on the stage and sang 'You Are So Beautiful' right to her, and she had covered her face with the karaoke song list folder. It was fucking hilarious. I slurred the words horribly, and was _juuust_ slightly off key, making a complete ass of myself, but it was fun.

Another time, April and I were really stoned, and actually got up and sang 'I Got You, Babe.' That was fun. The best part of it was _I_ was Cher, and she was Sonny. Not just cuz it was funny, but also cuz I'm considerably taller than her. The KJ had a box of props near the stage, so I would find the long, black haired wig, and she'd tie her hair back, and… oh fuck! Let's just say that if anyone ever got pictures of that, I'd pay good money to make sure no one else ever saw them.

So, Mark sang tonight. He sang a couple of Beatles' songs. I didn't even know he knew who the Beatles were. I love the Beatles. Then again, who doesn't? I used to sing a whole mess of Beatles' songs to April. She loved it.

Fuck, this is so hard. I just lost Mimi not to long ago, yet I can't help but think of April. Fucking month, hurry up and be done with you. May can't come soon enough. The sooner the better.

It's not that I don't wanna think about April, it's just… well, it's still hard. Every time I think about her, I keep picturing that awful night. The night I was given my death sentence.

If she had told me she had been fucked by her dealer just so she could get some smack, I… fuck, how was I supposed to know he was infected anyway? We were always on something at one point or another, and when we started using heroin, our discernments became less intact. We didn't really seem to care much about things, except getting high, or getting drunk, then getting high. I guess that's why I was always so hard on Mimi about it.

She used up until her near death experience. She had stopped for a little while when we first started dating, but she just couldn't seem to stay away, and that was the last thing I needed around to tempt me. I used to bitch at her for using… sometimes as she'd be sticking that fucking needle in her arm. I asked her numerous times not to do that shit in front of me, and she still did anyway. It was enough one time to just up and leave her apt.

It was spring, and the weather was still cold… cold enough to still wear my jacket . I grabbed my guitar and just left. I thought at the time she probably went to see Benny. Hell, she probably did, but… who knows. I was always jealous of that pompous asshole for a long time… and I think it was mostly cuz he had money, and had a tendency to flash it around. Not to mention Mimi always seemed to be drawn to him… Yeah, I know it's cuz they had "dated" three months prior to us meeting, so I guess she still had some feeling for him.

I just suddenly thought about Angel. I haven't thought about her in a long time. It sucks that he was the first one of us to die. Only making this deathly illness all the more real. I'm not ready to die yet. I'm afraid to die. I'm afraid to leave this world for an unknown one. Where do we go when we die, anyway? Mark would probably tell me we'd all go to heaven, since Jews don't believe in Hell. Yeah well, knowing my luck, I'll definitely be going to hell.

Damnit, I wanted to talk about how much I miss Angel, not about death. She had a knack for making me feel better whenever I had a problem. Especially with Mark, or even Mimi. He and Mimi were really close friends, and she always knew the right things to say to get me to stop being so pissed at her for doing smack, or 'looking for Benny.' He always talked me through the situation, which is pretty much the only reason I was able to live with her for those two months.

I miss Angel…

Mark didn't drink nearly as much as he had on his birthday. Man, those were some good times. He did drink enough, however, to be able to dance around wildly while singing his now favourite song. Haha. I will never be able to listen to that song without picturing him half naked on that bar.

After we got home, Mark ran straight for the bathroom, and spent a good amount of time worshipping the porcelain god. He fell asleep on the floor, drooling. I couldn't help but laugh at him, quietly of course, until tomorrow that is. I put him to bed, and came in here. That was pretty much our night.


	6. Gonna Be Short

Disclaimer: You know what? Still not mine.

Notes: Again, thank you to all my readers, and enjoy!

**Roger's Journal (Don't touch, Mark!)**

**April 24**

This is gonna be short, but I just wanted to put in here about how I laughed at Mark this morning after he woke up. He was a mess. His hair was all over the place, as well as standing straight up. Probably from the crusted puke in his hair. Poor Marky. I do love him. He always had a knack for making me laugh, even if he wasn't trying. All he had to do was be himself, and I could laugh.

Back in high school, I helped Mark get ready for a date with this not-so-hot chick, but he seemed to like her. Hey, who am I to judge. I've had my share of not-so-hot chicks, but that's a whole other story, and well… kinda comes with the territory of being a rock star. Anyway, he was frantic that day, and had developed a few zits on his chin, which he was so worried about. I popped them for him, to which he complained how gross that was, and told me I shouldn't pop zits cuz it'll only make them worse.

Well, I managed to make them smaller, which he thanked me for later, and helped him come up with the perfect ensemble for his date. Basically, that consisted of a pair of faded, ripped jeans that I had found in the back of my closet, from when I was in junior high. Sad, I know. Let's see, I believe this was his sophomore year, so which is why my jeans from junior high would fit him so well. Also a plain black shirt, which I was surprised I had, since most, if not all my shirts have some sort of logo, or band name on it. And this shirt was a button up, which I don't even remember ever having. Probably something my mom bought me a while ago that I had either forgotten about, or just discarded it without care.

So, now Mark was dressed for his date, but his hair… his hair was always so difficult to work with, so I globbed on a ton of gel in his hair, and worked my fingers in them, hoping something decent would come out of it. I remember while I was doing this, Marky's face turned beet red. Apparently he was rather enjoying my fingers in his hair. He told me that once we started dating.

Long story short, I finally got his hair to mold to a somewhat hip style, though, with Mark, hip was something he could never pull off. I tried though, and so did he. Did he ever. He tried to pull of my personality, which he eventually realized he could _never_ do, but it was certainly fun to watch. His date arrived; yes she was a bit older than him, and had her own car, which was just too funny. She wasn't exactly a sight to see, but she was a real sweet girl, and seemed to genuinely like Mark.

Mark, a complete nervous wreck, jumped off my bed when he heard the doorbell ring. See, he had his date pick him up at my place, cuz if his mom knew he was going on a date, especially with someone he knew she probably wouldn't approve of, she'd shit bricks, and probably ground him. So, he dashed down the stairs, and to the door, but my mom had already answered it. He halted just short of the living room, not wanting to seem to eager, but that didn't work to well. As I had said, he tried to pull off my personality, and well… let's just say, cool and Mark, don't mix.

I think her name was Sarah. She was taller than him. Then again, who wasn't during this time. Mark was probably, oh… five feet, three inches give or take, and she was probably around five feet, six inches. Something like that. Well, Mark and her left, and my mom and I watch them get into her car. He was still so nervous, and after the date, which only lasted about two hours, they came back there, and Mark seemed frightened.

Apparently, this chick wanted to sleep with Mark, who mind you, was still a virgin until, well, us. Aww, I just realized I was Marky's first. Go figure. So, yeah. We heard them pull up, and I opened the door to greet them, when he practically jumped out of her car, falling face first into the dirt that was my front yard. I heard what sounded like her getting angry, and yelled something at him, then just took off. I laughed soooo hard that night.

Well, okay, so this was longer than I had expected, but I couldn't help it. Whenever it comes to Mark, and his non-purpose comedic ways, you can't help but talk about it. Which totally reminds me… God, if Mark ever read this, he'd totally freak out that I put all these things about him in here. Okay, so another great Mark moment consisted of him getting drunk for the very first time. It was his freshman, my sophomore year of high school, and my mom had just bought a bottle of vodka.

I have to say, vodka was probably one of my favourites. Well, Mark was staying over that night, and my mom had to work a late shift at the diner, and I "found" the vodka she hid so well from me; in her top dresser drawer. So, Mark and I decided to play a few… no wait, _I_ had decided we should play a few drinking games. Mark just kept telling me to put it back, and not to drink it. It took a lot of convincing on my part, and even a little guilt trip, which is something he always, even to this day, tries to do to me. I don't take guilt trips that well, trust me.

Um, okay, so I guilted him into drinking with me, using the excuse of him being a mama's boy to do so. Hey, it worked. So we played a few drinking games; quarters, shooters, and even a little game of "I Never." Or better yet, my version, "Have you ever?" That was the best part, cuz since I had done quite a bit of, um, well, not-so-nice things in my life, and Marky had _always_ been the good boy, he got so drunk, cuz he would have to take a drink if he had never done something, and first off, it didn't even take that much to get him to this point either, but once he was there… you know, it's true what they say about alcohol being a truth serum.

So I learned a few things about Mark he would have never shared with me before this, though now, since then, he shares just about everything with me. And not just him, but his sister Cindy as well. I'm not going there though, cuz honestly, those are memories I wish would just go away.

Anyway, so Mark got so drunk, he jumped up onto my bed, took of his shirt, which I just realized is a pattern with him whenever he's really drunk, and started dancing to a song he swore he was hearing. There was no music playing in my room at that moment, but he just kept dancing, saying how much he loved the song he was apparently hearing in his mind. To this day, I still don't know what song that was, and he said he forgot. Riiight.

So basically, today I reminded him about what had happened last night, and how he busted out with "his" song, and he nearly cried from the humiliation. I felt bad, but for some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to stop. I know, I'm such an asshole. I made up for it later making him some coffee, to help rid him of his hangover, as well as making him some soup we had in the cupboard. He was grateful, and after that, he was able to laugh at himself, though you could still tell he was embarrassed. I love him.


	7. April's Over

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

Notes: Enjoy!

**Roger's Journal (Don't touch, Mark!)**

**May 1**

Thank goodness April's over, though, I haven't been able to get April off my mind. She's got permanent residence in my mind, and frankly, in my heart. I was thinking about the first time we met again. I can't help it. I mean, I look at Mark, and am reminded of April, only cuz I met her on his birthday.

April's and my first date was certainly an interesting, but incredibly fun night, and I'll never forget the look on her face when I went to pick her up in my thing. It's a car. It was an ugly one too, but it was all I could afford, and fuck, it got me around. But, she smiled, that beautiful smile of hers, and her eyes lit up, like a child in a candy store. Then again, it could've just been that she was stoned off her ass, and I didn't notice until I got closer.

So yeah, she was stoned, which meant, I was definitely getting laid that night. Sad thing though, I had just been with Mark earlier that day, and then more or less broke it off officially with him. Yeah, I broke his heart, and I felt bad, but I really liked April. I had never fallen so hard for a girl before, but there was just something special about her.

So, I get there, and her sister starts flirting with me. Now her sister wasn't that bad looking either. Pretty much an older version of April, but April got rid of her before I had a chance to suggest anything that could get me into big trouble. I, like the gentleman that I, uh, can be, open the car door for her, which seemed to surprise her, but she smiled and got in.

I took her out to dinner first. Hey, it always makes for a great date. But afterwards, I took her to a nightclub, which she apparently frequented since she knew the bouncers at the door. She wasn't quite twenty-one yet, but they let her in anyway, cuz she always seemed to bring in the crowd, and they liked that there.

So, I go to the bar, order us a couple of beers, and hand her one, as she lights up a cigarette right on the dance floor. She hands me one, well, more like sticks it in my mouth, and lights it for me. So, here we are, on the dance floor of this nightclub I would have never gone into had it not been for her, dancing. I don't dance. I hate dancing, and would've normally told her I was gonna sit at the bar and drink. She had me dancing. 

Beer in one hand, cigarette burning between my lips, and the other hand holding her hip, watching her dance very sexily. Damn, was I turned on. I was so turned on, I was ready to take her right there. I was good though… Surprisingly.

This is pretty much how the entire time at the club went. We each had at least four beers while there, and when we left, we stopped at a liquor store and picked up another twelve pack, as well as a bottle of vodka. We went back to the loft that night, after getting extremely drunk at the park, and nearly getting caught. Mark was in the living room watching some of his old movies of us. Can we say bad timing?

Yeah… bad timing would certainly be the right thing at that moment. Mark looked up at us, and I had this shit-eating grin on my face, knowing I was about to get laid by this really hot chick, who I really liked. He wiped the tears that were obviously in his eyes, and on his face, and ran to his room. Well, actually, we were sharing a room at the time, so technically he ran into Collins' and Benny's room. Thankfully neither were home, so it worked out.

I took her to my room, having obvious disregard for Mark, and well, we had sex. Fuck, it was good sex though, and damn does she know how to use that tongue. I won't go into detail since I can pretty much picture it all in my head, though it is a bit hazy.

That next morning was certainly interesting. April woke up before me, and Mark was in the kitchen pouring himself a bowl of his favourite cereal. She walked out wearing one of my shirts, and nothing else. I guess she didn't expect anyone else to be there at that moment. So I hear her scream, which woke me up abruptly, and I fell off the bed. That was fun. I ran out of the room, and she was laughing.

When she had realized who she saw, she just laughed, which caused Mark's face to redden… you know, Mark blushes an awful lot. Hmm… Anyway, I saw Mark, and couldn't help but laugh either. He was wearing his boxer shorts, and that was it. His extremely white skin was exposed to the world. He ran towards the other room, cuz apparently neither Collins or Benny came home that night. Hmm…

Anyway, I stopped Mark by grabbing his arm, which startled him, but he stopped, keeping his head down, not wanting to meet me eye to eye. I can't say I blame him, since I had just broken his heart the day before. He was also hiding his tears, which I saw, since I've seen those more often than not all these years I've known him. He pulled away from me, but didn't walk away, and I almost wanted to pull him close and kiss him, as if to make up for what I had done, but I realized I just wasn't in love with him like he wanted me to be. I mumbled something that could've passed as an apology, which Mark, since he's known me as well all these years, I don't really apologize. He accepted it, though, still crying, took off for the other room.

So yeah, that would be April's and my first date. I broke Mark's heart, and gained April's. I can honestly say, it was rather easy falling in love with her. There was always something about her, that I could never quite figure out, but it was something special. I remember this one time, she had been living with us for a while at this point, and it was pretty much right after Mark and Maureen started dating, and Maureen had moved in since she was kicked out of that other guy she had been dating's place. She had started dressing differently since we started dating, and first off, I'm not complaining, cuz it made her look hot, but it wasn't the girl I fell in love with.

She started wearing skin tight clothes, that revealed quite a bit, she continually changed her hair color, and wearing heavier makeup, almost as if she was hiding something. I found out later what that was, and she had told me she got it from her sister. Heroin. I was hesitant, but she kept saying it made her feel so good, and any problems or worries she had had disappeared. It certainly was tempting. She would bring it by the loft when Mark and Maureen were out, and it was just us, since Benny had been spending quite a bit of time with Alison Grey, which I won't get into right now. Collins had taken off, like he always did, and for all we knew he wouldn't be back for days. Weeks sometimes.

So we had the loft all to ourselves, and she had just laid out a line for herself on the makeshift coffee table. I watched her do this, contemplating whether or not I wanted to try this. She snorted it, and with glazed eyes, and a very sensual grin, crawled on top of me, since we were sitting on the floor, and just kissed me hard. She became somewhat aggressive, which I have to say was quite a turn on. We ended up having sex right there, and damn, it was better than it had ever been.

Afterwards, she smiled at me, and asked me if I wanted to try it. I did. I did want to try it, but played it off as if I wasn't sure. She gave me a pretty convincing argument, telling me how wonderful it makes you feel, and how life just seems to breeze by while on it. I gave in, as I always did to her. She laid me out a line, and I snorted it, and before I knew it, everything became dreamlike. I had never felt so good in my life. Shit, now I need a cigarette.

Ah, that's better. So, anyway, it was truly as amazing as she made it sound, and I vaguely remembering Mark and Maureen coming home at this point. With Benny out of the house more often than not, and Collins doing whatever, Mark and Maureen took over that room. I do, however, remember the look Mark gave me when he walked in. First off, he wasn't exactly a big fan of April, or the fact that she moved in and took over our room. He knew I was high, but he didn't know what I was on.

He bitched at me for using drugs in the loft, yet again, and I just laughed at him this time. I think. Yeah, I did. I couldn't help it. He looked just like his mother while he was bitching at me. He even had his hands on his hips, and a finger waving in my face. The only thing I definitely remember saying to him was, "You know, you look like your mother right now," in a somewhat slurred, and half-coherent speech. Both girls looked at him, and giggled. I know I should've felt bad, but I was so high, it didn't phase me. His expression angered, combined with the blood rushing to his cheeks, he looked like he was gonna explode.

Maureen thankfully caught it, and lead him to the bedroom, explaining somewhat that I was just an asshole, and he shouldn't mind me. I didn't even care that she had said that. I more or less giggled myself, and pulled April to me, kissing her. Yeah, more sex. What can I say, I'm a horny fucker.

And that would be my first time using smack. What a day that was. That day, and every day that followed. At first, it was sparse. I would use it here and there, but not all the time like April's sister had begun to do. Of course, at the time, it never became an issue, thinking, I'd never get addicted. Not me. Except I happen to have an addictive personality. So yeah, I got hooked, and pretty damn quickly. What can I say? I liked it… a lot. More than I liked anything. Okay, if I don't stop writing about this, I'm gonna wanna go find some, and I'm not going through that hell again.


	8. Been A While

Disclaimer: I wish this was mine.

Notes: Thanks again, all of you! Enjoy!

**Roger's Journal (Don't touch, Mark!)**

**May 14**

It's been a little while since I've written in this, but seeing as I had written about my problem, and rereading it only brought back feelings of wanting to do it again. Mark has been talking me through it, reminding me of the hell I went through when April died, and the withdrawals. Oh my god, those were the worst times of my life. The worst ever.

After receiving my death sentence the night I found April's dead body in the bathtub, and the note, I threw my stash into the toilet, and watched as it swirled into an oblivion. Mark stood beside me while I did this, and I practically fell into his arms from just feeling incredibly weak. One, for being in that bathroom, and still smelling the blood and puke from the previous night.

Mark had graciously cleaned it up, while Collins and Maureen kept me from going crazy. Believe me when I say, I was more or less ready to do the exact same thing she did. God, this is difficult to talk about.

Maybe if I change the subject for a little bit, it'll help. Okay, um, how about… a Mark moment. Let's see… Mark… oh, I know one. Mark and I had gone to his prom together. That was fun. He and I were both dressed in tuxes, though if I had my way, which I almost did, I had planned on wearing this really pretty, long green dress, with an open back, and sequins. I saw it on a mannequin in a store window, and told Mark I wanted to wear it. Okay, first off, I don't dress in drag, though every once in a while, it's fun just for the hell of it.

I pleaded with Mark to let me wear a dress, and that one in particular, but he just kept telling me no, cuz he didn't want to be embarrassed. I told him I'd behave if he'd let me wear it. I'd even wear a wig if he was so worried, but he told me it wasn't that fact that he was with a guy that would embarrass him, it was just the fact that I would more than likely make an ass of myself, and probably get into a fight with some of the jock-like assholes. "Plus," he said, "it might ruin that perfectly good dress, and I wouldn't want you doing that." He made a good point, and I finally agreed to wear a tux. 

That whole night we danced, well, I danced, and he had no rhythm whatsoever, but he did move about in a dance-like manner. I had never heard so many snickers in one room before, and mostly from the girls, wondering what the hell _I_ was doing there with a boy. Gasp! Oh no, the pretty boy front man, who could have any girl he wanted, dancing with a boy. And kissing one no less. If they only knew.

So yeah, that was a fun night. Afterwards, we went back to my mom's place, since she let me stay there while I got my shit together, and I was waiting for Mark to finish high school. I always enjoyed having sex with Mark. He called it, making love. How sweet. 

Let's see if I can do this again. So, Collins was pretty much, literally holding me to the couch, so I wouldn't just get up and run out, and do something stupid, which I would've done. After cleaning up that mess, Mark had come out, and both he and Col helped me to bed, though I really didn't want to be in there, much less on that bed. Not with her scent, her presence still lingering. Even strands of her hair were still stuck to the pillows. I couldn't do it. Mark put me in his bed, and sat with me all night until I finally fell asleep, which didn't happen for hours. Mark had stayed up all night with me.

The next morning was hell, literally. I was shaking, and wanted so bad to take another hit, if just to make the pain go away; the memories, the thoughts, the feelings, and especially the sorrow, but Mark just talked me through it. He convinced me to get rid of the shit, reminding me of what that shit did to me. I agreed, though hesitantly, and got rid of it. For weeks I couldn't leave his room. I couldn't go back into my room either. At this point, Benny had moved out, Collins took over my room, and Mark stayed with me most of the time, since he knew Maureen was with someone else, though he didn't know who.

For months it had been like this. I couldn't afford rehab, so Mark was the only support I truly had. Collins left somewhere in the middle of all that. He got a job at MIT and took it. So at this point, it was just Mark, Maureen, when she was home, and me. But all I needed at this point was Mark. He had been the biggest help, and did it all out of love. I truly take him for granted sometimes. I should show him how much I appreciate him, one of these days.

Anyway, come November, I had been doing somewhat better, though it still hurt, and I was still craving it, but other than that, I was able to be left alone in the loft without Mark watching me all the time. Maureen started more of her performances, which she called protests, but honestly, all they were, were ways for her to show off some part of her body to the world. She had a thing for showing off either her breasts or her ass. Depending on the "protest."

So, Mark and Maureen had been hanging out with me at the loft, when she stood up from his lap, called him 'pookie', which she did often, especially when she wanted something, and just dumped him right there, saying she was in love with a woman. A woman! We both were shocked, but then again, she was a rather 'man-ish' woman, which is why I said was the only reason Mark was even attracted to her in the first place.

Mark took it hard, surprisingly. I guess he really did love her, but I told him later it was for his own good, cuz she was already cheating on him, and not worth his love. Then I told him to let this woman she was 'in love' with deal with her, and know what she's really like. Let someone else realize she's nothing but a spoiled drama queen. It surprised me that it didn't take Mark that long to get over her, but I should've figured out why right away. He never got over me. God, I sound conceited, don't I?

Wow, that was actually easier than I thought, to get through. It was all cuz of Mark though, and if it weren't for him, I would be dead right now. Silly boy though, continued to help Mo out with her 'performances', cuz he's just a nice guy. Well, that is until Joanne took over.

I am truly glad April's over. Now, maybe I can get through the rest of this year without thinking about April so much. Yeah, not likely, but hey, it doesn't hurt to hope.


	9. Such A Sucker

Disclaimer: Damn, again, this just isn't mine. So not fair. Hehe.

Notes: Love to you all, and thank you again. These last five entries are dedicated to my baby girl. I love you. Enjoy!

**Roger's Journal (Don't touch, Mark!)**

**May 18**

Mark is such a sucker… still. No matter what, he will be at Maureen's beck and call. Whenever she gets into a fight with Joanne, or Joanne is having trouble with their equipment, she calls him, and he goes. Mo just started working on a new protest yesterday, and called him over to ask his opinion on it. Of course, he'll tell her it was wonderful, cuz she's wonderful, and she'll smile, and get all excited cuz Mark always knew the right thing to say to her. Then she'll look over at Joanne, who'll probably be fuming cuz her girlfriend is all over her ex yet again, and glare, and get angry.

Grow up already. I mean, shit. Joanne, you're a grown woman, with a childish girlfriend. You should expect this already. Mo's never gonna change, and Mark's always gonna be there to help her, no matter what. She's got him wrapped around her little finger, and he knows it, but can't seem to break free from it. 

Oh, I started a new song. Well, sorta. It's a rock ballad, much like the eighties hair bands used to do, though not as cheesy. I haven't quite decided who this song is about, but in a way it combines Mark, April, and Mimi in it. Like certain parts you can tell are about each.

Have I mentioned I miss Mimi? Yeah, I really do. She was so different from April, but at the same time exactly the same. Of course, I never loved her as much as I loved April, but she was still my girl, and I did love her. We had plans for the summer. We had been talking about buying a car and taking a trip to Santa Fe. She wanted to see what was so special about it. Why I went there to get away. I told her there was nothing special about it, except that it was just far away from here. Far away from her, and from Benny, and with Angel's death, everything just hit me at once, and since Angel was the one who helped me get through all my problems with Mimi, it was just hard to deal with everything. She understood, thankfully, and it made it so much easier, not to mention a load off my chest.

I really did love her…

Mark and I have been going out a lot more lately, which surprises me, since I had no plans of leaving the house for a while. I guess I really do miss going out. We hit all my old hangouts, and get drunk. Well, I get drunk, he'll have a drink or two, but not much more than that. If I didn't know Mark any better, I'd think he was trying to get me drunk enough to have sex again, but I know Mark's not that maniacal.

Well, this one is definitely gonna be short, cuz I've got to get some sleep, since Mark's taking me to breakfast in the morning. Oh god, I have to be a morning person tomorrow. Ugh! Ever since he got his job, he's been making pretty good money, which is a good thing, seeing as we're the only ones in the loft now, though he's been talking about putting out an ad for at least one roommate. And to think, that's how it all started.


	10. What A Day

Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. Actually, I don't own much of anything.

Notes: Thanks so far to my girl for reviewing the last five entries. Hehe. I love you baby. And thank you to the rest of you in advance (hehe) for your reviews as well. I really do appreciate them. All of your reviews have only made me wanna write more entries, and again, I apologize for not updating sooner. For a little while, internet, or even computer access was hard to come by, but thank you for your patience. Love you all.

Enjoy!

Dedicated to my girl, who wondered why there wasn't a more Mimi-centric entry, so here it is.

**Roger's Journal (Don't touch, Mark!)**

**May 19 **

What a day it's been today. I am so exhausted it's not even funny. Mark and I went on an adventure today, searching around for the perfect birthday gift for Maureen. Yeah, Maureen. Why, I'll never know, but... Ow! I shouldn't plopped down on my mattress so hard, seeing as it's so close to the hard floor.

So, yes, it's almost Maureen's birthday. Actually it's not for another week, but you know how Mark is. Always one step ahead. "Gotta get her a gift now," he says. Why? It's Maureen. She doesn't _need_ anything. But she sure as hell always _wants_ something. How she and April were ever best friends is way beyond me. I can barely stand a few minutes with her, let alone an entire lifetime, or however long they knew each other. Then again, I'm sure Maureen asks Mark that all the time about me.

Mimi's been on my mind all day today. I was thinking about the only Valentine's Day we spent together. How she would 'mention' her favourite flower, or how she'd hint about what her favourite chocolates were, or even how she would loooove to go to this one restaurant that served one of her favourite dishes. Let's see, what was that again... oh, right, it was this rice dish her mom used to make for her when she was a kid. She swore to me it was delicious. Of course, I never did get the chance to take her to that restaurant. I wanted to though, I just couldn't afford it, and she knew that, but there's nothing wrong with hoping. We did talk about going, someday... I did however, get her her favourite flower. She loved long stemmed red roses, and I got her a single one, with an assist from Angel of course.

I had to ask Angel, though, exactly what her favourite flower was, cuz her hints weren't all that obvious to me. I've always been horrible at taking hints though, so it wasn't her. Ask Mark.

Angel prepped me for the date that night, though it wasn't all that much. She gave me some money, and helped me clean up my appearance. No more dingy, dirty rock star look. Col lent me his 'dinner' jacket, the one he wore on New Years when he dressed up as James Bond. That was funny. So, here I was, looking, and feeling incredibly uncomfortable in a pair of unripped jeans, since the plaid pants just wouldn't work for this date, and a shirt Mark would probably wear, and this jacket. Yeah, I wasn't to sure about this, but they kept telling me how great I looked, and well, they would know best. Especially Angel.

So, I head back to Mimi's, and she's wearing this really hot red dress. It was really short, barely covering anything, sleeveless, with spaghetti straps I believe she called it, and... let's just say, had it not been for the fact I really wanted to show her a good time, I would've just "showed her a good time."

We head out, the night going good so far. I take her to a different restaurant, one not a nice as the one she wanted to go to, but it's a nice one. I don't remember what we ordered, but I do remember staring across that table, and truly seeing Mimi for the first time. Seeing her as a beautiful, loving, caring person, with a lot of fears, though she would never really show them. I think I figured them out since I carried similar fears. We had a normal, non-argumentive conversation, which was a nice change, though it was a bit strange.

Hey, I'm a poet, and didn't know it. But my feet show it... So, dinner went smoothly, and was fucking good. I wish I could remember what we had. Afterwards, I took her to get ice cream. I had never seen her act so young before. Not childish, but young. Innocent. Sweet even. It was so beautiful. It was the first time I truly noticed her eyes. The pain it held, yet there was joy behind them as well. Like she had finally found what she'd been searching for, and was content. It wasn't until I left for Santa Fe though, that truly inspired my song.

Seeing the sorrow, the hurt in those eyes, just reminded me of all the times we'd fight. We fought a lot. Usually about either the smack, or Benny. Sometimes we'd fight about who would be on top, but those fights usually ended nicely, so to speak. But seriously, we'd fight about the stupidest things sometimes. Either I'd say something she didn't like, or I'd check out the chick (or the guy sometimes) who just walked by us. Though I'd catch her checking out the guys (and a few chicks) too, but she always thought I didn't notice. What can I say, I've got a bad temper that's triggered pretty easily.

Mark would know that, but I'm not gonna get into that right now...

Wow, I'm really missing Mimi. I haven't been missing her like I should, but now... now I'm really missing her, and sometimes I think she'll just barge in again like she did that one time. "Take me out tonight." That's what she said. Thanks to her, I finally got out of this place, and back into the world. I owe her so much for that. I owe her a lot more for not loving her the way she deserved to be loved.

She deserved so much better. Not the death sentence we both shared. She wasn't even twenty-one when she died. She had so much more life, and she lived it while she could. She always did. It was unfair she had to endure with this disease. Though, the biggest difference between her and April was, that April couldn't handle it, couldn't live with it, and ended her life. But Mimi, she embraced it, and lived her life to the fullest. She showed me life was worth living, no matter what. Sometimes that's hard to believe though, especially with her being gone already. So young, and her life just taken from her. It's fucked up.

I miss her so much... I miss them all. Mimi, April, Angel... All three of them were a big part of my life in one way or another, and each had their own unique way of getting me off my ass and doing something with my life. I'll be joining them soon though. Eventually...


	11. Trouble Sleeping

Disclaimer: Still not mine. Damn, how I wish he was. (literally)

Notes: Becky-Witter, you have become my new favourite person. Hehe. Thank you for all your wonderful reviews. I really, truly appreciate them. So much. And thank you baby for pointing her this way. Much love and appreciation to you. I love you. And thanks to the rest of you for actually reading my stuff. You guys are all great. And one other thing. For those of you who have been reading Leap of Faith, I have finished the last chapter, so all I have to do is write the middle, which should be about four more chaps, give or take, and then the big fin. Wow, a complete story. hehe.

Enjoy!

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Roger's Journal (Don't touch, Mark!) **

**May 21**

I'm having trouble sleeping. I haven't had this problem for at least a month now. I used to have this problem more often than not, but it had subsided for a while. I've also been thinking so much lately. April, Mimi, Angel... even Mark. I've been thinking about how he has been trying so hard to get me to go back to him, and each time I turn him down, one way or another. Sometimes I'm a complete asshole about it, and other times... Other times I almost wanna say yes.

He's always been there for me. Whenever I needed something, he'd be right there. Something to eat, something to drink, something to smoke... well, as long as it was only cigarettes. Anything else, he wouldn't bother. He hated my drug use. He hated what it did to me, what it did to us...

Pot was one thing. It didn't bother him nearly as much as the smack did, but that's only cuz it wasn't addictive. He hated the fact that I even did Meth for a little while. That didn't stick though, cuz I didn't like the type of high it gave me. It made me wired, and I preferred the more mellow high.

I preferred the smack more than anything, and he knew that. He knew that the drug was actually more important that anything else to me at that time. Even with April.

I was never an abusive person, and I would never hit anyone, especially a woman... especially someone I truly cared about, but this drug... it changed me. It turned me into a monster. Someone not even _I_ could recognize.

It didn't happen right away. In fact, it didn't even begin till I was about half way through this addiction did my moods really start to alter.

April came home one night after work, and I was really aching for a hit, and at this point snorting wasn't giving me the high I needed, so we had started shooting up. Her sister showed her how to do it, and in turn she showed me. I had just run out earlier that day, and she was supposed to bring me some, but she was late, and it really pissed me off.

When she walked in the door, I grabbed her harshly by the arm, and yanked her inside. I could tell she was high already, and that only pissed me off even more. She pulled away from me, said I was hurting her, then she stumbled to the couch, and fell into it. I started screaming at her, calling her all sorts of names, and saying she was nothing but a stupid little bitch, which pissed her off. Now April was never one to take my shit, and she wasn't about to start now. She stood up clumsily, and made her way to me. She started screaming at me, saying to 'fuck off', and that I was an asshole.

She's called me an asshole many times before, but the fact that I really needed a hit, the fact that she was already high, and the fact that I hadn't gotten my shit from her yet, I lost it. I drew my hand back, then it connected with her face. I had backhanded her, and she had fallen to the floor. It surprised the hell out of her. Hell, it surprised the hell out of me, but I held my ground, actually expecting her to apologize and give me my smack. She didn't.

She stood up, got up on the tips of her toes, stared me right in the eyes, and told me if I ever did that again, I would wake up without a penis. OUCH! Then she shoved me back, and I stumbled slightly, but didn't lose my balance. She threw the baggie at me, and stormed off to our room, and all I did was take my hit. It wasn't till afterwards I followed her, and apologized. Well, not really apologized with words, but with actions.

For weeks I behaved myself when it came to coming down, and needing another hit. She continued to come home late from work each night, which I began getting suspicious about, which only sparked that side of me once again. I tried so hard, even when coming down, to suppress that side of me. The side that could explode at a moments notice cuz I couldn't control my temper. I had a really bad temper, and for the first time, I was actually using physical violence to portray it.

So, she came home late again, and she was higher than a kite. Her makeup was smeared, her hair disheveled, her clothes ripped. It looked like she'd been hit by a fucking semi or something, and barely made it back alive. I had asked her what had happened, but not out of concern, out of suspicion, and out of anger. She just looked at me, staring blankly. She looked like she'd been crying. My first reaction, which it shouldn't have been, was me asking "who was he? Was he better than me?" If I wasn't so damn... It wasn't even the drug, I just get jealous really easily. Ask Mark.

She glared at me. The expression on her face changed from that blissful, high look, to the one that said, 'fuck with me, and I'll kill you.' My temper got the better of me, and I raised my hand again. Fuck, I can't believe I did that. I can't. If I had known... no, that's no excuse. Even if I hadn't known that was the night her dealer more or less raped her, giving her... giving us AIDS, I still shouldn't have hit her. I should've realized that she wasn't cheating on me, but the fact that she was so fucked up, she was giving sexual favours for smack.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda...

So, I've been thinking a lot about Mark, and what he's been offering. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet. I need more time... unfortunately, I don't have the kind of time I need. I don't wanna rush into it either, though I guess technically I won't be rushing. We haven't been together since I met April, so... I don't know. I just need more time.


	12. Where Did May Go?

Disclaimer: Not mine, and couldn't afford it if it was.

Notes: Thank you to all of you who read this. It means so much. Thank you to my newest readers/reviewers. Reviews always make me smile, and makes me almost feel like this is worth doing.

To all you wonderful grammar nazis out there (xD): If it seems like there are a lot of grammatical errors, that's only cuz it's a journal, and journals aren't supposed to be written perfectly. Thanks though, and enjoy!

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**Roger's Journal: (Don't touch, Mark!)  
June 10**

Where the hell did May go? I can't even remember when June even started. Time has been going by way too fast... I don't like that. I don't like that at all. It just means I'm getting closer to death. No one knows this, but I'm extremely afraid of dying. I don't wanna die, and I'm not ready to. I may act like it, all tough and macho-y, but it scares the hell out of me. Besides, I don't even know where the fuck someone goes when they die.

I hear people talking about Heaven and Hell, but are they real, or just figments of someone's strange imagination? Or are they somewhere someone created to tell little children to convince them to be good? Who the hell came up with that in the first place? Mark says there's no such thing as Hell. If that's the case then Heaven must be full of lunatics as well as the 'good people'. I asked him where we go if we're evil, and he just shrugged at me. I guess he doesn't know either. He said his mother was the one who told him about it. Must be a Jew thing.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and part of me wants to take the plunge and start up another relationship with Mark, but the frightened little child that still hides within me won't dare let me. The one that knows death is close; practically knocking down the door inside.

I haven't been feeling to well lately either, and well, if I start this relationship with Mark up again, and something happens to me, what's gonna happen to him? He'll be heartbroken yet again, and it'll still be my fault. I can't do that to him. Not again.

Maybe I should just give up on love in the first place. If it wasn't for love I wouldn't even be in this situation. April had come home late one night, the night she was raped, and after a loud scream fest of who could scream louder, me stupidly hitting her across the face, and her smacking me right back, cuz she didn't take my shit, she told me what had happened. I blamed her at first for it, thinking she was selling herself for dope, which in a way she was, but it wasn't really her fault. She told me he had forced her. I, coming down from a high, stopped, blinked, and stared at her, wondering if she was making it up.

She turned her eyes up at me, the saddest look I had ever seen on her face, tears smearing what was left of her makeup, and asked me if I loved her. Mind you, coming off a high like that, you don't always think too clearly, and I gave her the wrong answer. "You know I do. Do I _always_ have to tell you?"

She cried harder, falling to the floor, face in her hands, only smearing her makeup even more. Her makeup that covered the dark circles under her eyes. I knelt beside her, 'comforting' her with a pat on the back, and a slight hug, not quite holding her like I should have. She pushed me away, and stood up, making her way to the bathroom to clean up her face. Mark was home that night and had heard everything, and had chosen to stay out of sight until the morning.

We ended up making up the next day, in more ways that one. I never really believed her story about her dealer, but I went along with it, thinking hell, at least she can get more smack. We spent that entire day together in our bedroom, getting high, and having a shitload of sex. Fun was all we cared about that day.

Well, about a week later, April wasn't in bed when I woke up, and I thought maybe she was in the kitchen making something to eat, or in the living room smoking a cigarette. I had gotten out of bed, peered out into the living room...empty. Mark and Maureen were in their room still sleeping, Collins was already out; probably at work, and I made my way to the kitchen first, expecting to see her standing there, making a bowl of cereal for breakfast, but she wasn't there either.

I went to the bathroom, did my usual morning routine, and continued to wonder where she was. I knew she didn't have to work that day, and was curious why she left so early in the morning. The rest of that day I spent waiting for her to return. Thoughts of infidelity ran through my mind. Hell, she and Maureen _were_ best friends. If one could do it, why couldn't the other?

All day I waited for her… I saw Mark leave for a day of filming, I saw Maureen go, probably went to see her latest lover; some poor sap she'd been screwing… he, though of course we found out later was a she, didn't even know about Mark. Collins hadn't come home from work yet, and Benny had moved out that day. He'd been out all morning with Alison Grey, and they were planning on getting married, and he was moving in with her. I remember Alison…

So, I sat on the floor, fine tuning a few songs my band the Well Hungarians would be playing that night for a gig when she finally made her entrance. I glanced up at her, and she had this look of horror on her face. I was too angry with her to ask what was wrong, so I ignored her. She ran up to me, wrapping her arms around my neck, and just started crying. I didn't wanna hear it, so I shoved her off of me, stood up, and went to our room. She followed me, completely hysterical. I couldn't understand a word she was trying to say to me. I just told her to shut up. I didn't wanna hear about her latest escapade with her dealer.

She kept trying to tell me something, but her sobs were too much, and all her words sounded like she had marbles in her mouth. I finally pushed her away, pushing her out of the room, telling her I wanted to be alone, and closed the door in her face. I was pissed. I had thought she was just trying to make up for fucking around on me. I didn't know. I didn't know she had gone to the clinic that morning. Gone to get herself checked out, finding out she… we were HIV positive. If I had known… If only I had listened to her. Calmed her down, and got her to tell me without sobbing. We could've handled it together.

Instead, I set myself up with a hit, and took it. I got high, as she went into the bathroom, probably staring at herself in the mirror, contemplating what to do with her life. She couldn't talk to me. I wouldn't listen. I was too fucking stubborn, and too fucked up to care. All I could think about was her fucking her dealer for more of the shit that was killing me. I didn't know she was taking my razor apart. I had heard the bathtub running, and figured she was gonna clean herself up and try telling me again what she was trying to tell me earlier. I thought wrong.

A few hours later, as I was coming down, I started to wonder where the hell she was. I checked the living room… there was no one there. I checked the kitchen… again no one. I checked the fire escape… where was everyone? I saw that the bathroom door was still closed, and figured she probably fell asleep in the bathtub. I knocked on the bathroom door. Not a peep. I called to her. Still nothing. I open the door…

So, the first time I ever saw Mimi was at the Cat Scratch Club. Mark, Maureen, Collins, April, and I all went there for some fun one night. I wanted to drink, she wanted to dance, Collins was checking out the queens, and Mark and Maureen, well, they did there own thing. Maureen was all over him, giving him her version of a lap dance. He didn't seem to mind.

The show started not to long after we got there, and the name of the girl dancing on the bar was announced. She danced against the bar very sexily, and a few times April would slap me in the arm for staring. I couldn't help it, she was hot. Hell, even April thought she was hot.

She pulled out a pair of handcuffs from her top, which wasn't much to begin with, and slapped them on her wrists. She then pulled out a lawn chair from behind the stage, and straddled it. She danced around with the lawn chair, which first of all, who dances with a lawn chair? Eh, it didn't matter. It was still really fucking hot. I asked April if she'd ever dance like that for me, and she smacked my arm again.

One thing I noticed about the girl dancing on stage that night was she looked awfully young. I didn't think she looked much older than sixteen. If that. That was two nights after what had happened with April's dealer. I had been there before with Mark, Collins, and Benny, and remembered Benny used to hit on Mimi. I never thought anything of it then cuz she used to turn him down. A few times Benny was caught flirting with some of the queens. He swore up and down he didn't know she was a he, but it was fucking hilarious.

Who would have ever thought that the same thing that happened to April happened to Mimi. Sex for drugs. Hell, I was even desperate enough at one point that I would've probably let him do that to me too. He used to come on to me. Whenever I'd go with April to get some smack, or I'd go alone he'd ask me if I wanted to blow him instead of paying him with cash. Honestly, a few times I thought about it, but each time I turned him down. It wasn't cuz he was a man, it was cuz I knew he'd find a way to humiliate me.

What should I do? Should I just give in to Mark again? Is it worth it? Is it worth the heartache and pain he'll have to go through someday? And having sex with him won't be the same. It'll never be the same. Besides, I haven't been with a man since him. I don't know if I even want to. In a way I do, but I just don't know if it should be Mark. Not with this. Not with all the shit I've already put him through. He's been through enough with me. Heartbreak, drugs, loss, withdrawals, my anger… I've just put him through way too much shit to put him through that again. He doesn't deserve that kind of pain. He deserves someone who'll treat him the way he should be treated. Someone who can love him whole-heartedly, and not die on him before he's even thirty.

This is just too fucking difficult…

I'm ready to just give up. I'm not talking about killing myself, but leaving, and for good this time. Not like last time when I left then turned right around a came back. I mean leave… him, the city, this so-called life. It's time for a change. The only problem is I'm too fucking chicken to do it. What I have now is safe. What I have now is… security. I know Mark will take care of me, and if I leave I won't have anyone. I need some advice. I wish Angel were still alive. She _always_ knew what to say, and how to make me feel better. I miss him…


	13. One Bad Day

Disclaimer: Still don't own Roger, though he does take up residence in my head, so in a way he's me...

Notes: Well, it's been a while, but as I said it's Roger, so it'll take a while. The man starts stuff, but never finishes them... hmm, much like me. Go figure. Enjoy all! It's short, I know. Sorry.

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**July 27  
Roger's Journal (Don't touch, Mark!)**

Apparently I haven't written much in this lately, but I've been, well busy. I've been really busy actually. Doing what, you ask? Well, spending more time with Mark, that's what.

Yeah, he's been taking me out, just about every night, though it's seriously been interesting to watch him get me out of the loft in the first place. He almost has to literally drag me out. Well, I do help some. I get my lazy self up and 'allow' him to take me out.

He's been taking me to all my old hang outs, trying to fit in at the same time. It's cute when he tries to be a part of my old life. What he doesn't seem to realize, is that I don't want that old life. I want the new one. I want a brand new start with Mark. I don't wanna pick up where we left off. There was nothing there.

What do I do?

I was thinking about this the other day, and it's been on my mind since, especially since Mark reminded me of it without even trying. He was talking about porns, which I'm still not sure why, cuz I stopped listening to him after I heard the word porn, and immediately started thinking about April.

She and I were horrible when it came to having sex anywhere and anytime we pleased. There was the instance where we were sitting on the couch, and of course I was pretty damn horny, (what do you expect? She was hot!), and well, we fucked right there in the living room, with no regard for anyone home. Then again, we didn't really think anyone was home. Mark stepped out of the bedroom, almost completely unaware of us, and as soon as his eyes made contact with our um, naked bodies, he ran quickly out of the room, and we just kept going.

Yeah, it was pretty bad. I felt bad, sorta, but at the time, I really didn't care. I mean, something about April just made me look at Mark like... like he was just some dumb kid. I loved Mark mind you, as a best friend, and well... but for some reason April didn't like him, and through that, I _acted_ like I didn't sometimes. I know, I was a shitty friend. I've always been a shitty friend to Mark, though. Ask anyone. Hell, ask Collins.

He'll tell you I was the biggest fuck head in the world. One time April and I got this crazy notion to 'steal' Mark's camera and film ourselves having sex, but I figured I'd get rid of it before Mark got a chance to see it, or anyone else for that matter.

You see, we got so caught up in it all that the thought of getting rid of the evidence slipped my mind completely. And it didn't help when April got the best idea ever. After we were finished with our 'film', we heard the shower running, and she looked over at me with this crazy look in her eye. Yes, she wanted to film Mark... naked in the shower.

So, we crept into the bathroom as quietly as possible; he didn't hear us at all. She pulled back the shower curtain... oh we had gotten dressed before doing this, so we wouldn't scare Mark any more than we had intended. So, she pulled back the curtain, and he yelped. Well, more like screamed like a little girl. He quickly covered himself when he noticed I was holding the camera. He tried to step out of the shower, but April held him back, even getting into the shower, clothes and all to keep him in there.

She held him in the shower, by the arm, and sometimes the hair. She'd pull his hands away from his crotch to expose him... she was such a bitch. God I loved her. She was the female me. I filmed him for about fifteen minutes or so, before just walking out of the bathroom, and straight to Mark's room, setting the camera down on his bed. April just stepped out of the shower, dripping wet, and followed.

Needless to say, Mark got out of the shower, still horribly embarrassed, and I think he was crying. Wouldn't have surprised me. I do know he did end up crying later though.

Later that evening, I think Mark got curious about the film, though he had yelled earlier he was gonna get rid of it cuz that was probably the worst thing I had ever done to him, but cuz I did it, he had to see what was on there. He knew it was a naked him, but he was curious. Can't say I blame the boy.

So he watched it, and listening at the door to hear his reaction, I heard him mention that there was a lot more film used than what we had filmed him in the shower. "Oh shit." Yeah, oops... I had completely forgotten to take off the sex. And for some reason I didn't bother to go in there and stop him from watching it either. I should have.

I heard him put it on, and not more than two minutes into the film, even without sound, I heard him... I heard his sobs. His heart broke into a million little pieces that day, and I didn't do a damn thing about it. I just let him watch it, and I pretended I had no idea about it. He never mentioned it to us, or to anyone else, cuz he wasn't like that, but I should've said something.

So, now Mark's trying to seduce me again, after all these years. That's funny to say. Mark's trying to seduce me. Usual I'm the one trying to seduce him... or anyone else. Not that it was hard for me to seduce anyone...

Well, not much else to say really. I could use some advice, but a lot of good it's going to do saying that in here. No one is allowed to read this. ESPECIALLY MARK!


	14. Not Feeling Too Well

Disclaimer: This man (or any other character) doesn't belong to me, though he lives in my head. XD

Notes: I know it's been a while, but Roger's been busy... doing stuff. Yeah, that it. And I've also been busy doing... stuff. Well, either way, we've both been really busy, but here it is. And I shall soon have the next chapter of LoF up hopefully in the near future. Thanks for bearing with me.

Enjoy!

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**Roger Journal: Don't touch, Mark!  
September 19**

I haven't been feeling too well lately. It feels like death is right there, just waiting to tap me on the shoulder, and take me away. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die...

I don't want to die. I'm scared. I'm more scared than anyone could ever know. I don't want to die. EVER! Why couldn't I have immortality... like a vampire, or something? I don't care. The hard part though, is I barely have the strength to go on much longer. Maybe it's just the sickness talking.

I've written a new song since I wrote the one for Mimi. It's not nearly as great, but it's just something. I've actually been working on my music a lot more lately. Something to preoccupy my mind. I've also been spending a great deal of time with Mark. We've been reminiscing so much more; talking about what it was like when we first met in school, living in hell... um, I mean Scarsdale... That place was hell. I'm glad my mom moved away from there after I left. I don't think she could've handled staying there any more than I could. It was torture. All those 'nice' people everywhere, pretending that life was a bowl of cherries... when in fact, most, if not all of them had a tendency to talk behind people's backs. Especially the old biddies. Those old women went around judging every one, and every thing. It was crazy.

Well, who cares about the old ladies anyway? So, Mark and I have also been spending time with Benny of all people. He and Alison got a divorce (surprise, surprise) and he's been hanging out here with us. He still owns the building, but he's finally gotten off our asses about paying rent. Not that we'd pay him anyway.

Benny and I discussed my 'affair' with Alison, and now he calls her Muffy too. It's fucking hilarious. See, when I first got to the city, after moving in with Collins here at the loft, I would go out almost every night. Well, some nights I'd stay home to catch up on my sleep, but whatever.

Anyway, I went out with Collins one night to this bar, and I started flirting with a group of girls, and Muffy was one of them. A bunch of stuck-up bitches they were, and I saw that as a challenge. I always had fun picking up one of those kinds of girls, cuz it was very rewarding when they actually went home with you, and you could kick them out of _your_ bed, and _your_ home, and well... make them cry. Okay, I wasn't that much of a bastard, but...

So, I approached them like I would had it been any other girl... or boy, but that depended solely on how things with Mark were going. See, Mark had no idea for a long time that I had been with Alison, but laughed his ass off when I told him.

Right, topic at hand... so, I walked up to her, gave her my sexy smile, and sat beside her. Not like some jackass who couldn't pick up a chick... but I sat beside her, and she looked over at me and smiled back. We exchanged pleasantries and well, she told me she thought I was sexy... which I was. Well, still am; at least that's what Mark says.

Which reminds me... I finally gave in to him. Yeah, I couldn't resist him. There was always something about him I could never put my finger on that attracted me to him. I don't know, maybe it was his geekiness. Either way, I gave into him, and we've been taking it slow. Don't wanna rush it, though it's not like I have a whole lot of time left. That's why I hadn't been writing in this lately. I've been spending my time with Mark, and writing new lyrics, and just trying to live again. But I should try to keep this updated as regularly as possible, so when I do die, people would know what the hell I did with my fucked up life.

Wow, I got so off topic there. Right, Alison Grey... or is it Coffin now. Eh, who cares? So, I asked if I could buy her a drink, and she said yes, do I bought her a drink. A Maitai was what she ordered. Cocktails... Mark drinks those sometimes when he can't handle something harder... -whistles-

So, I convinced her to join me at another table; Collins had found a companion for the night, so it didn't bother him... We drank for a bit, and she eventually started talking about herself, and asking me a whole bunch of questions. I told her I was a musician, and was looking for a band who needed a guitarist, or singer, or both, and she had mentioned that she had some friends of her friend's brother looking for someone like me... but that's another story for another time.

We eventually ended up going back to her place that night. She was still living with her parents, but she was living in the pool house, so technically she had her own place, and well... needless to say, I fucked her, and fucked her good.

The next morning she told me she wanted to keep seeing me, and I figured, 'what the hell? What did I have to lose?' Well, except maybe Mark, but I never told him about her... not until after I met April. It didn't break his heart the way it did when I left him for April. See, I didn't leave him for Muffy, cuz I didn't have any real feelings for her.

So, I started seeing her every other weekend. I told her that on those other weekends I went to visit my mother. I know I'm an asshole. But I was spending those other weekends with Mark...

Anyway, so that didn't last long though. She would always buy me things, and try to make me her "boyfriend", but I wasn't up for that. Not with her. She was too... stuffy, too... bitchy for me. So, probably after a few months, I told her I couldn't be with her anymore, cuz I did feel like she really "loved" me. I bullshitted my way the entire time. She told me she didn't love me, but had already planned on ending it with me. Haha... fucking bitch. I broke up with you first. I had been calling her Muffy as a pet name to begin with, and she thought it was cute; but when she turned into primo bitch when I broke up with her, it became sort of a mocking thing.

So, that's my story with Alison "Muffy" Grey-Coffin.

I love Mark. I really do. He's been so good to me for so many years. I don't deserve him, but he's here, and said he'd never leave my side until the day I leave his. "Even then," he said. "I would always love you, and couldn't wait to be with you again." I know he's so sweet. Too sweet for his own good sometimes. Like with Maureen... but I'm not going there.

Well, it's getting pretty late... or is that early? Either way, I need to get some sleep, otherwise Mark's gonna bitch at me for staying up till all hours of the night again. I'm glad I have him. I wouldn't know what to do without him. He's been my anchor for so many years... I really do love Mark.


	15. Holy Fucking Shit!

Disclaimer: This boy isn't REALLY mine, though he tends to talk to me a LOT in my head... so, I think I'm going crazy. XDD

Notes: It's been seven months since Roger has updated his journal, and he's got a story to tell. It's kinda funny. Enjoy.

* * *

**Roger's Journal: Don't touch, Mark!**

**April 4th**

Holy fucking shit! It's been almost a whole fucking year since I started writing in this again. Then stopped for like, what, seven months or something? Fuck. I've just… haven't wanted to write, I guess. Shit's been going on, you know, what with Mark and I making things official again and all. It's a little weird; I mean, not weird in a bad way, but… just weird.

We've been doing couple-y things: just hanging out together, and well, loving each other. He still films me like I'm so famous fucking star, and I still sit on the table and play my guitar, writing songs that won't go anywhere, but hey… at least _someone_ appreciates them. It's not like anyone's gonna see Mark's films anyway, so whatever. Maybe when I die Mark can sell them or something. Who'd wanna watch them anyway, besides Mark that is?

Wow. You'd think after seven months I'd have more to write about in here, but… I don't. Or at least nothing I can think of. I could write about all the sappy shit Mark and I have been up to, but uh… I don't know if I could go back and re-read it if I did. I mean, I guess Mark'll appreciate it when he eventually reads this, which I know he will when I die, even though it _clearly _says on the cover, "Rog's Journal: DON'T TOUCH, MARK!" But I know how Mark is, and well, he won't be able to resist. Mainly cuz it's me.

Anyway… been just… blah lately. Not with Mark, but with me. The threat of death still lingers, not that it'll go away, but I hate that it just hangs there, waiting to take me. Waiting for me to get really sick and just take my life… and leave Mark all alone.

FUCK! I hate that! I hate knowing that when it's all said and done, when it's all over, Mark will be here… all alone. And I'll… be dead…

Well, FUCK THAT! I can't… WON'T let myself die that easily. I- I- I just fucking can't. I-- have to fucking live for him. Heh… this is so fucking ironic. Not too long ago I was saying how I just _couldn't _even be with Mark again, and now look at me; we hook up again, after I fought hard not to cuz of this shit, and now I'm gonna fight tooth and fucking nail to keep it going, make it work… live long enough to… really be with him.

I'm getting scared though. I mean I wasn't sure if the condom broke, but I thought I felt something, and even heard something, but when we finished, and I checked the condom, it didn't seem like it broke. I couldn't tell. But uh, I've told Mark he needs to get tested, no matter what, cuz there's NO way I'm letting him die from this fucked up shit too. I-He just can't. I won't let him. I-- This can't happen…

Well… it's the worst month of the year for me again, which means more thoughts of April. Funny… when February rolled around, my thoughts of Mimi were few, though I did think of her. I guess that should count for something, right? Heh. Nope, I'm just a bastard. A fucking fucked up bastard. But seeing as it's April, I've been thinking about her. Granted, not nearly as much as this time last year, but still. It's getting close to her birthday again.

Oh man… fucking Mark… April fools day, right… the little fucker got me good. First time too. I had _completely_ forgotten what day it was, and I was chilling, relaxing on the couch, not really doing anything, cuz I was kinda out of it, and uh… he comes in… and starts crying like, sobbing and shit, and I thought something bad happened. He sat down on the couch next to me, even leaned against me, and I did my best to comfort him, asking him what was wrong. He didn't answer; just kept sobbing, and so I just held him. When it sounded like he had stopped crying, I asked him what was wrong again, and he started balling, wailing pretty much. I was starting to really get worried now.

So, he cried a little more, so I figured I wasn't gonna ask him this time what was wrong. Just let him cry and if he wanted to tell me, he would. He stopped crying suddenly, and looked away, getting up quickly, and ran to his old room. Curious, of course, I got up and followed him. Hey, I was worried. I wanted to make sure he was okay.

I walked in, and he was--packing. But not his shit… mine. I stopped him, and asked him what the fuck was going on, and he told me I was moving out. What the fuck? He kept packing, and I literally had to get in between him and my duffle bag. He kept pulling my shit off of hangers, and drawers… I was so confused, at the same time, getting really pissed.

But Mark wouldn't tell me anything else, so I actually grabbed him by the shoulder, and kinda pushed him against the wall. Had it not been for Collins walking in at that moment, hearing the commotion and all, I probably would've hit Mark. Collins started laughing though, as soon as he came in. I was really confused now, but when Collins presented two tickets to Santa Fe. He arranged for Mark and me to spend some time alone in the one place I ran away to when I couldn't deal with Mimi. How ironic.

Mark kissed me, calling out 'surprise' and 'April fools', I ended up socking him in the arm, then taking a swing, playful swing at Collins, who hit me back twice. Once for hitting him, and the other for hitting Mark, then told us to have fun.

Not a typical April fools joke, but it still got me good.

So, the trip is for this weekend… just after April's birthday… maybe being in Santa Fe it'll keep my mind off of it, and focused on Mark.

Fuck, I guess I did have a lot to say. And I didn't even talk about April all _that_ much either. Heh.

Well, I'm gonna try to write in this more. I know Mark'll like that. After all, he was the one who got it for me…

I really do love him… he's… everything. MY everything. And my only reason for living.


End file.
